death will never conquer.

so don’t attack me for quoting a kanye song in my blog. but ne-yo says in this song “i used to be commander in chief with my pimp ship flyin’ high, til this pretty little missile came and shot me out the sky” i think that most appropriately sums up all areas of my life.

let’s talk theology, shall we? in high school i was fairly certain that God had one very specific plan for my life, mapped out to a T and i had to walk the correct path or i would get knocked off and forever alter the space time continuum and the whole world would wind up out of whack. (nice alliteration eh?) then i started to figure out that it probably wasn’t that specific. and i started all over again. back from scratch. in college i decided it was something to the effect of do what you want, and glorify God. i kind of felt like he was pretty hands off. let me make my own decisions. now that i am out of college, i think everyday “if you want to make God laugh, tel him your plans”

my life is 100% nothing like i had planned. we wont get into hairy details here, but this looks nothing like i thought it would. and i am learning that is because i am not in control. i used to attempt to control, i really did. and my life didn’t look like much fun. it wasn’t fun. it wasn’t productive. it wasn’t what it should have been. instead it was bad. i just recently, as in february and march started praying “God mess me up, if you so choose, drastically change my plans. alter my life.” well. that sure happened.

but it started even before that.  i spent two years attempting to get a job in the vocational ministry world. i got turned down more times than i can count for every different reason i can think of. i swore up and down i would not do youth ministry. i didnt want to, i didnt think it was my design. after a long and trying process, i applied for my first youth ministry job. it didnt work out. but then i heard of a church in bracken county that was looking for a youth minister. the only thing i knew about bracken county was that they always got off school when it snowed, and they were the polar bears. i applied for the job, still unsure why i was feeling this nudge, i didnt think i could do youth ministry, i didnt think i could live in bracken county. i liked living down the road from mcdonalds, i liked chipotle too much to live 40 minutes from one… certainly this couldnt be the place for me?

somehow. 9 months later. i am extremely content. and 100% certain that i am supposed to be here. not by my own design or scheme. but i love it here. i really do. im now getting used to driving on one lane roads that have 120 degree turns, and constantly running over roadkill, as well as the constant sight of deer in my yard and the deafening quiet and darkness. but i love it. this is proof to me that my life is beautiful when i am not in charge. its not always easy. there are times when it is extremely difficult and taxing and frustrating. but in the end it always turns up beautiful when i am not the one doing the planning.

i am starting to learn this in my personal life as well. that when i make plans, they dont go well. but when God is in control of my life it is beautiful. again i say i never would have designed things this way. but they have happened. and i am completely ok with that. God has been surprising me, teaching me, molding me. constantly. i hope that i continue to remain open to what He has going on. He is a much better planner than i ever will be. not that i am completely certain that everything in my life right now is 100% God’s will for me. show me someone who is certain of that and i’ll show you a lunatic. i am just constantly seeking where my life is going and what i am supposed to be doing, and i currently feel like things are going well right now. it seems this is the way my life should be pointed…

just be open. ask to be shown. open your eyes to see. don’t say never. don’t say can’t or won’t. just say “your will be done.” trust him, i’m learning that is when life is beautiful.

vhs or beta.

to say i am obsessive is an understatement. i live a life of obsession over so many things, some last, some dissipate. since i can remember i have had a giant obsession. it has been around longer than my obsession with the gospel (ashamedly) or any of my other obsessions, and it takes over at the time it has decided and it is a bear to control.

victory.

i absolutely can not stand to lose. every bone in my body aches to win. i am not kidding when i tell you i cheat at board and card games, i bend rules, i break rules, i lie, whatever it takes to win. (most of the time i am a highly ethical and upright person, but when competition gets rough, it gets ugly.)

this is really not a positive attribute/feature in my life. i absolutely can not stand to lose.

i compete with my brother (though he doesn’t know it) to see who gets more positive comments on their blog entries (he always wins) i see how he has succeeded and made people proud, and i want to do better, though i fail miserably.

i compete with friends over the dumbest things, i compete when driving to try and drive faster than cars that have no idea i am driving faster than them. i compete over everything.

i cant stop competing. i cant stop comparing. i notice how well other people do things, and i want to be that good. i see their success and i attempt to mirror it.  i cant stop.

i am learning that the victory game will get me nowhere.

i will never sing like my brother.

i will never be as driven as my older sister.

i will never be as creative as my little sister.

i will never be as smart as my dad.

i will never be as loving as my mom.

i will never be someone else.

i will never smile as much as joel osteen.

i will never be as energetic as leon deorleans.

i will never speak like steven furtick or perry noble.

i will never coach like tony dungy or jon gruden.

i will never make videos like rob bell.

i will never be as outspoken as driscoll.

i will never be as good with words as mcmanus.

but what i am is ben stroup.

i was designed for a very specific purpose.

i dont know what it is. but it has something to do with loving people. telling funny stories and applying biblical truth to life. that’s what i have figured out. but i need to stop trying to beat other people at their own game. i need to be who i was designed to be. i need to play to my strengths, i need to account for my weakness. i need to know that all my successes can not be measured in immediate ways. i need to know that i am significant, that my contributions matter, even if it looks different than anyone elses success. victory is not always the goal, being myself is the goal. stop comparing, start working.

i still have no idea why i write this blog. i suppose mainly for my own health. but also because i value community. i enjoy telling you what is going on with my heart, and apparently you enjoy reading it. so i will continue for now.  i am on this constant journey of self improvement. my horrible failure of an attempt to be the man God has created me to be. but for now, it is turning out rather well…

brainwashed.

so, i have many debates in my mind and in conversation. regularly. diet coke vs. coke. mac vs. pc. tupac vs. biggie. and for me they range from, cheap frozen pizza vs healthier other frozen meals. or gatorade  vs powerade or who wins in a fight between chuck norris and batman. needless to say i find myself constantly thinking about the finer points of debate. and one debate that i attempt to take part in regularly, is how a Christian looks.

ok, here’s how this works for me.  i make a conscious effort to not “look like” a Christian. i don’t wear t-shirts emblazoned with any sort of message of salvation, i generally avoid music that is written by christians to make money in the name of Jesus. i don’t own any bumper stickers or otherwise outwardly “christian” paraphernalia. i generally attempt to dress like the normal population my age, i speak with a vernacular strikingly similar to theirs, and i generally could look from all outward appearances to just be “normal”

my hope and my prayer is that when people get to know me, or see me, or talk to me, they notice that I AM DIFFERENT. not because “i don’t drink i don’t chew i don’t go with girls that do” or because i shudder every time someone says “damn” or i run away from someone holding a beer. but because i love that person regardless. i hope, and pray that everyone who notices me thinks, “for being a christian he seems pretty normal” but eventually, or even from the beginning they see an unconditional love and grace and mercy. they see a kingdom being brought by someone who is attempting to love others and love God. they see a person who looks normal, but has been radically transformed, given a purpose and a mission. they see someone who has joy, even in unfortunate circumstances, they see someone who loves them, no matter what.

all of this being written with the understanding that i fail miserably at doing/conveying this. but it is my goal for that to be the case. here’s the skinny. i don’t know if what i am doing is the right thing? am i supposed to “appear normal” while being different underneath? or should my outward behavior/muscial selection/speech/clothing reflect that i am different. now granted when it comes to speech, obviously there are lines that are not to be crossed, if they break the bounds of love/mercy… but still what do i do?

i am really tired of introducing myself and then when i explain i am a youth minister people shudder and don’t know how to act. i’m really tired of people apologizing to me when they “cuss” around me. i am really tired of people looking at me funny when they find out that i am a man of the cloth. today, one of the kids on the team said i was “the coolest youth minister ever” and at first i was honored, but then i wondered if it was because i didnt care what kind of music he listened to? or because i use sarcasm? or was it because he saw that i loved him, and cared for him? is it really my goal to be cool?

so overall. as a person who desperately wants to follow Jesus, how does that look? i am earnestly asking your thoughts, as i have no idea what this means. i know that John 15:19 says to be in the world and not of it, but what does that even mean? it seems to me that paul was well aware of his culture (Acts 17) and did everyone notice Jesus was different because he had a metallic fish on his donkey, or because he loved everyone unconditionally? does Romans 12:2 mean that i have to look act and think differently? this is a genuine struggle and something i wonder on a daily basis.

is this my excuse to have fun in the world and still call myself a christian? am i completely wrong? i am deathly afraid i am. is it my desire to be approved by man that i want to be cool? or am i right when i say the only reason you should notice a Christian is because they are constantly, irrationally, radically loving people? i have no idea. that is why i ask you. debate below. offer insight, criticize, rebuke. i am open to hear from you.

faster faster.

that patience thing rears its ugly head at me constantly. i am still a work in progress. i am not patient with myself, or with others around me. it gets me in trouble, it gets me crazy. patience is a virtue. it is essential for life. i need to manufacture some. and quickly. (haha. that was a joke. get it?)

if you feel this is repetitive, then stop reading. but i am still improving. i am learning to be patient at football, guys who have never been taught correctly arent going to get it right the first time. they have spent a long time getting beat down, they need a patient hand to teach them the correct way, show them they can win. show them they can believe. it wont be a miracle over night thing. im working on it.

ministry is the same way. patience is required. i get frustrated when i dont see results as instantly as i  would like, but i am seeing results. i hope and pray that i am making an impact, even though i may never see the result, as they move on and grow up, i hope they have been positivley impacted. i can only hope.

i am only writing this simply to remind myself. simply to drive myself to improve. to wait, to be slow. to be patient. to allow things to take their time. to allow them to develop. to trust and wait rather than trying to do it myself. when i do it it’s disaster. when i let God work, it’s beautiful, not easy, definitely not painless, just simply beautiful. it just seems to me that he never works on my time. which of course goes back to this whole omniscience thing. he knows what he is doing. i don’t. i need to just wait and let things happen. stop trying to do everything on my own. stop trusting myself. his timing is perfect. his plans are right. my timing is awful, my plans are disaster.

my life is currently transitioning from a stage where i thought i was in control and i thought i knew what i was doing, into a time of being broken, shattered and renewed. a time of being reminded that i am not in control, and that there is an omniscient deity who loves me dearly and reminds me regularly that he is in control, and his plans are for the best. i’m noticing that letting HIM run the show makes everything smooth. not easy, and not carefree, but it is smooth. it makes sense. i can see him working. i hope that i constantly remember that i am not in control. i am not smart enough to be. i need to allow things to develop. i need to seek guidance, and wisdom, and not just shoot from the hip. i need to be patient.

hit the lights

continuously. i don’t do anything in that vain. save perhaps change my mind. i do that continuously.

so the words of old saint Paul in 1 Thessalonians 5:17 have never meant much to me. i am so scatterbrained that if i do anything for more than 5 minutes i go crazy. (hence why i have done 4, make that 5 different things in the course of typing these 3 sentences).

but recently, i watched a podcast of a sermon by one of my current idols of a preacher in pete wilson and he talked about prayer. he talked about praying continuously. and i have really been thinking about what he said. i struggle with my prayer life, i don’t do it enough, i don’t do it selflessly enough, and i just plain suck at it. i have beat myself up for years because i don’t have a daily “quiet time” where i sit and thoughtfully prayed for 15 minutes exactly. my prayer life is kind of like my whole life. scattered, disorganized and hard to understand.

but continuously makes that different. continuously is not 15 minutes every morning. it is a mindset. it is a constant. it is forever, always. so here’s where my thought life is right now. when i’m exercising in the morning, im thinking prayers. sometimes that turns into thoughts for the day, thoughts on the more positive aspects of my life, which then turn into giggles and outright laughter, then it turns into thoughts on the negative aspects of my life, then it returns to prayer.

while i am driving, i am clicking off names in my head, praying for youth group kids, future mate, friends, close friends, loved ones. i have a post it note on my dashboard of my macbook with a rotating list of names of people and places and situations who i pray for every time i switch to my dashboard. (that’s where i check the weather and use a dictionary).

my prayers are never very loquacious, nor are they fanciful, nor are they pretty (they probably are as redundant as that list).

they are simple. they are heartfelt. they are sometimes desperate. sometimes they are joyful, sometimes they are angry.  but my goal is to make them more and more continuous.

there is one other aspect to this.

what ends up coming out of my mouth is not always a prayer.

that is a treeeeeeeemendous problem. one that is being remedied. one that i could use your prayer in fixing.

finally, i want to emphasize there is no one rule for prayer. genuine, authentic heartfelt prayer is the rule. no one prays the same way. don’t feel pressured to do it a certain way. it’s about you, approaching the throne in a genuine respectful manner. and doing what you need to do.

i am still working on the purpose for this blog. i am so glad you read it.

as a minister of the gospel i always feel my job is to impart wisdom:

pray. lots and lots of prayer.

someday soon i will share the story of a prayer my mom prayed that dramatically altered the course of my life. when she told me the story i really started thinking about the power of prayer. it is real. it is necessary. don’t pass it up.

pray continuously.

fade to black

so, for the first time on this blog i will be vague. not because i care but because i want to play coy with you. (all 4 of you that read it). I am currently learning to stop planning my life. everytime i design a plan it gets wrecked and changed. so i am learning to let life happen, and let God work.

not that i won’t be planning the things that need planning, but there are aspects of my life that i try to control too much, and that has never ended well. and i have recently been learning that i am not in control, and my plans are insufficient.

just to clarify, i am not going anywhere. or considering it. it’s just some aspects of my life ive been attempting to control and i haven’t done very well at. so i am turning over control to where it should be. from what i can see so far the results are much better when i trust in Him. not to be captain obvious, because you knew that would be the case.

the minister in me encourages you to do the same. stop forcing hands, start praying for doors to open. i don’t know what it looks like for you, or for me. it just goes back to being patient, we all need to be patient.

trust. be patient. my life motto.

death of autotune.

Last week I experienced something I have not experienced in my adult life. It was at camp for 9 and 10 year olds, and every night we had “Jam Time” it was a black light, lights out glow sticks worship time. The first night was pretty cool, and it got progressively cooler for me, even if the kids got less interested. We played everything from Sandstorm to Happy Day by Fee. And each song had a connection for me. Whether we were running around like crazy jumping and going nuts to Happy Day, or we all got together and did the Cupid Shuffle, there was something unexplainable, a quality of communal musical worship that really connected. I made a conscious effort not to sing during the songs that weren’t written for Jesus so as not to detract from the heart of the idea. But it was cool. There was a serious connection there.

One of the thing’s Saint Jamie taught me that sticks out is that the church is communal, faith is a thing that is shared, it is not an individual thing. While there are individual aspects to faith, one of the more important parts of faith is community, we can not forget that.  There was a connection during the worship,  between the creator and created, as well as amongst the created. By the end of the week the kids had the chorus and the moves we invented to Happy Day down pat. I hope they realized there was a difference between why we did the ChaCha Slide (fun) and why we danced to No One Like You (Celebration). Maybe some did, maybe they didn’t. By the end of the week they were mostly interested in playing football instead.

Here’s why I bring this up. This week I am at Junior High Challenge, and the Aaron Pelsue Band has been charged with leading the kiddos to the throne this week, and it has been a return to “normal” in contemporary worship. There is nothing wrong with that, it’s what I have grown up on, anytime I see an acoustic 2 electrics, keyboard, bass a drum kit and an extra female singer my heart races. I love musical worship. I love singing. But I wonder where this is all going? Tony Morgan made the point several weeks ago that the majority of the most popular songs on Itunes are Rap/Hip-Hop not rock, so why are we still connecting people through a musical form they don’t prefer? (More on this another time). But I am largely afraid that we will be just like the people we bemoan. “I don’t want Hip-Hop Worship, we’ve never done  it that way before.” And “I miss back when we just had the guitars and drum and it was rock, why are we supposed to dance now?”

I don’t want to be stuck. I don’t think modern contemporary rock is the only way to connect in musical worship. I don’t think hymns are the only way. I want to know how to make kids, and adults alike connect communally through musical worship. I have no idea where it’s going. I’m fairly certain it will be different, if we allow it to evolve. This generation behind me is totally unique and different. These guys will connect in different ways than I do. I have to figure out where that is going to be.

I am no prophet, but I definitely think that worship will be evolving, and we need to be on the train. As culture evolves, we missed a huge window through the 20th century when we refused to change. we can not allow that to happen in the 21st.

patience. be patient. patiently

so here’s my self help of the week. i suppose that i can blame my generation and technology. but i truly have no patience. i grew up in the age of instant, and it is coming to get me now that i am as close to being grown up as i have ever been.

i expect instant. i expect snap reactions. patience eludes me, and the slower it comes the more frustrated i get. i want to be patient. i want to allow things to develop. but i struggle. mightily.

i am currently re-teaching myself piano. and i get overly frustrated daily because i can’t play like chris martin, or aaron morgan (www.seabirdmusic.com). even though they have been playing their whole lives, and they dedicate hours per day to their craft. but it drives me nuts to practice, because what i play sounds nothing like that. that has always been my M.O, i quit playing bass because i couldn’t make the sounds come out of those strings that my teacher, who had been playing for 30 years could. in a lot of things in life i give up because the result is not what i expect instantly.

but alas, the word patient or patience appears almost 50 times in scripture. it is one of the fruits of the spirit. so in my ministry, i need to quit expecting instant results. this will take time. weeks, months, years, decades. this isn’t coffee, or lean cuisine. this is a crock pot.

patience patience patience.

i also hope that those who surround me can also be patient with me. i am learning. growing, and attempting to do good things.

so in the words of the epic wilco “i’m gonna need you to be patient with me” as i learn to be patient myself.

my bucket list.

if you can help make any of these happen. feel free to let me know

1.) be in a screamo band, and perform a live concert

2.) be in a rap video

3.) skydive

4.) meet a US President

5.) preach at the NACC

6.) preach at CIY and BigStuf

7.) bungee jump

8.) ride every roller coaster in America

9.) eat at every skyline chili

10.) make a celebrity laugh (check. Joe Morgan, 2005 MLB All star game)

11.) throw out the first pitch at a professional baseball game

12.) write a book

13.) watch a whole season of 24 in 24 hours.

14.) stand on the sideline of an NFL game

15.) record a series of video teachings (ala nooma or H20)

16.) make a documentary

17.) spend an entire month following every warning label to a tee.

18.) make a less ridiculous list.

weaksauce. vomiting words twice in one week.

over the last two months i have attempted to be in a hardcore self actualization mindframe. i have, on several occasions listed strengths and weaknesses that i have, i have asked those who know me best what they think and compared their list to mine. it’s an incredibly hard experience for me. i dont like being weak. and i have so many weaknesses that it makes this process tough.

i read a book last night that talked about masking these weaknesses in order to give a better presentation, typical book written by people who are only experts because they choose to call themselves such. but i am really trying hard to be who i was designed to be, because that is when i am most effective. i am not most effective as a joel osteen or andy stanley wanna be. i am not most effective as craig groeschel or perry noble or even as any of my chuck stroup idols in my life. (there are four of them, well one of those is only two, but i look up to the other 3).

i am most effective as who i am. and here is the conclusion i am coming to, this one i have known for a long time. i am super super super insecure. and when you combine this with my tendency to speak and think in hyperbole, it gets pretty dramatic for me. every time im teaching and i see someone text or whisper i conclude that it is about me, and how lame i am, or what dumb thing i said. everytime something goes wrong, whether it is my fault or not i blame myself and immediately imagine the most disastrous situation that i can that will come of it. (i’ve imagined that i would be fired like 39329 times in my 9 months of service here at fairview).

i am just really insecure. every phone call, text or instant message that goes unreturned from any friend or relative means they hate me, and that they never want to see me again.  i spend way too much time agonizing over the most ridiculous choices so that when the choice is revealed hopefully no one will criticize. i cant handle criticism. it makes me insecure.

so i’ve been working on a remedy to this problem. i can (maybe) stop being insecure, and i should. but i have no idea how to go about that. so i am just going this way. i need to use my insecurity to motivate me. if i’m insecure about how an event or lesson will go, i need to plan so hard and strong and well that there is no way they wont be impacted. i need to push myself to do better, not that doing so will make me less insecure, but it pushes me in that direction. i cant change who i am. but i can stop being insecure about my weight problem by dieting. i can stop being insecure about my messy and cluttered office by cleaning it. i can stop being insecure by teaching myself i cant please everyone. (which is my only goal, if i could just make everyone around me happy and stuff then i will be happy and stuff, its wrong, but thats how i think).

i also need to remember that i am not just doing my job for the approval of people here. in the end there is only one that i will have to answer to. but im pretty sure that he knows i could be better. i didnt write this so that all 7 of you who read it will tell me i have nothing to be insecure about. i am not fishing for encouragement (although heartfelt compliments and encouragement stay with me for a long time. thank you, if you have thrown any my way.) i am just asking for your prayer, and your love. this has been a looooooooooooong several months, and i am really trying to be the best person that i can be. i truly desire to grow and mature.

and irony of ironies “the hero dies in this one” by the ataris was playing during the writing of this. the bridge says “the hardest part isnt finding what we are supposed to be, its being content with who we are, stay who you are.”

so no michael and haley dimarco, i will not alter myself to appear different. i am who i am. and i have to use my strengths and weaknesses to my advantage, this is who i was designed to be.

so here it is for you. dont mask your weaknesses. admit them. use them to inspire/motivate/move you. remember who you are. you are designed for a specific purpose. either surround yourself with people who compliment your weakness, or use them to your advantage.